Though my wife never wants to be recognized. I wanted to do it today in this blog. I love and appreciate you more than you know. We've been doing ministry over 25 years together now and you're the best. Thanks.
I did not write this, but thanks Joe, though I don't know you.
Why the
Pastor’s Wife is the MOST Vulnerable Person in Your Church
We’re all
vulnerable.
Everyone
who walks in the church door can be helped or hurt in what happens during the
next hour. Whether saint or sinner, preacher or pew-sitter, oldtimer or
newcomer, child or geezer, everyone is vulnerable, and should be treated
respectfully, faithfully, carefully.
No one
in the church family is more vulnerable than the pastor’s wife.
She is the
key figure in the life of the pastor and plays the biggest role in his success
or failure. (Note: I am fully aware that in some churches the pastor is a
woman. In such cases, what follows would hardly pertain to her household.)
And yet,
many churches treat her as an unpaid employee, an uncalled assistant pastor, an
always-available office volunteer, a biblical expert and a psychological whiz.
She is
almost always a reliable helper as well as an under-appreciated servant.
You might
not think so, but she is the most vulnerable person in the building. That is to
say, she is the single most likely person to become the victim of malicious
gossip, sneaky innuendo, impossible expectations and pastoral frustrations.
The
pastor’s wife can be hurt in a hundred ways—through attacks on her husband, her
children, herself. Her pain is magnified by one great reality: She cannot fight
back.
She cannot
give a certain member a piece of her mind for criticizing the pastor’s
children, cannot straighten out the deacon who is making life miserable for her
husband, cannot stand up to the finance committee who, once again, failed to
approve a needed raise, or the building and grounds committee that
postponed repair work on the pastorium.
She has to
take it in silence, most of the time.
It takes
the best Christian in the church to be a pastor’s wife and pull it off. And
that’s the problem: In most cases, she’s pretty much the same kind of Christian
as everyone else. When the enemy attacks, she bleeds.
The
pastor’s wife has no say-so in how the church is run and receives no pay, yet
she has a lot to do with whether her husband gets called to that church and
succeeds once he arrives.
That’s why
I counsel pastors to include with their resume a photo of their family. The
search committee will want to see the entire family, particularly the pastor’s
wife, and will try to envision whether they would “fit” in “our” church.
The
pastor’s wife occupies no official position, was not the object of a church
vote, and gives no regular reports to the congregation on anything. And yet, no
one person in the church is more influential in making the pastor a success—or
a resounding failure—than she.
She is the
object of a world of expectations …
She is
expected to dress modestly and attractively, well enough but not overly ornate.
She is
expected to be the perfect mother, raising disciplined children who are models
of well-behaved offspring for the other families, to be her husband’s biggest
supporter and prayer warrior, and to attend all the church functions faithfully
and, of course, bring a great casserole.
Since her
husband is subject to being called away from home at all hours, she is expected
to understand this and have worked it out with the Lord from the time of her
marriage—if not from the moment of her salvation—and to have no problem with
it. If she complains about his being called out, she can expect no sympathy
from the members. If she does voice her frustrations, what she hears is, “This
is why we pay him the big salary,” and “Well, you married a preacher; what did
you expect?”
She is
expected to run her household well on the limited funds the church can pay and
keep her family looking like a million bucks.
And those
are just for starters!
The
pastor’s children likewise suffer in silence as they share their daddy with
hundreds of church members, each of whom feel they own a piece of him, and can
do little about it. (But, that’s another article.)
What we
owe to the pastor’s wife …
1. We
owe her the right to be herself. She is our
sister in Christ and accountable to Him.
My wife
was blessed to have followed pastors’ wives who cut their own path. So, in some
churches, Margaret taught Sunday School and came to the woman’s missionary
meetings. In other churches, she directed the drama team and ran television
cameras. A few times, she held weekday jobs while raising three pretty
terrific kids.
And, as
far as I know, the churches were always supportive and understanding. We were
blessed.
Allow the
pastor’s wife to serve in whatever areas she’s gifted in. Allow her to try
different things, and to grow. But do not put your expectations on her, if at
all possible.
Do not try
to tell her how to raise her children. Do not try to get to her husband through
her with your messages or (ahem) helpful suggestions.
2. We
owe her our love and gratitude. She has a
one-of-a-kind role in the congregation which makes her essential to the
church’s well-being.
Recently,
as I was finishing a weekend of ministry at a church in central Alabama, and
about to drive the 300 miles back home, a member said, “Please thank your wife
for sharing you with us this weekend. I know your leaving is hard on her.”
How
sensitive—and how true, I thought. That person had no idea that my wife
underwent surgery two weeks earlier and I had been her nurse ever since, and
that in my absence, my son and his family were taking care of her, and that I
was now about to rush home to relieve them.
Church
members have no clue—and no way of knowing—regarding the pressures inside the
pastor’s family, and should not investigate to find out.
What they
should do is love the wife and children and show them appreciation at every
opportunity.
3. We
owe her our love and prayers. While the
Father alone knows her heart, the pastor may be the only human who knows her
burdens.
Pray for
her by name on a regular basis. Then, leave it to the Lord to answer those
prayers however He chooses.
If we
believe that the Living God is our Lord and Savior and that He hears our
prayers, we should be lifting to Him these whose lives are given in service for
Him.
Ask the
Father for His protection upon the pastor’s wife and children—for their health,
for their safety from all harm, and for Him to shield them from evil people.
Pray for
His provisions for all their needs, and for the church to do well in providing
for them.
Pray for
the pastor’s relationship with his wife. If their private life is healthy, the
congregation’s shepherd is far better prepared for everything he will be asked
to do.
4. We
owe her our responsible care. What does
she need?
Do they
need a babysitter for a date night? Do they need some finances for an upcoming
trip? If they are attending the state assembly or the annual meeting of the
denomination, are the funds provided by the church budget adequate or do they
need more? Is the wife going with the pastor? (She should be encouraged to
do so, if possible.)
Ask the
Holy Spirit what the pastor’s wife (and/or the pastor’s entire family) needs,
and if it’s something you can do, do it. If it’s too huge, rally the troops.
5. We
owe it to the pastor and his wife to speak up. Sometimes,
they need a friend to take their side.
If your
pastor’s wife has a ministry in the church, look for people to criticize her
for a) dominating others, b) neglecting her home, or c) running the whole show.
To some, she cannot do anything right.
You be the
one to voice appreciation for her talents and abilities, her love for the Lord
and her particular skills that make this ministry work.
Imagine
yourself standing in a church business meeting to mention something the
pastor’s wife did that blessed someone, that made a difference, that glorified
the Lord.
Imagine
yourself planning in advance what you will say, asking the moderator (who is
frequently the pastor) for a moment for “a personal privilege,” without telling
him in advance.
And,
imagine yourself informing a couple of your best friends what you are planning
to do, so they can be prepared to stand up “spontaneously” and begin the
ovation. (Hey, sometimes our people have to be taught to do these things!)
The
typical reaction most church members give when someone is criticizing the
pastor’s wife is silence. But you speak up. Take up for her.
Praise God
for her willingness to get involved, to not sit at home in silence, but to
support her husband and bless the church.
6. We
owe them protection for the pastor’s off-days and vacations. After my
third pastorate, I joined the staff of the great First Baptist Church of
Jackson, Mississippi, and quickly made an outstanding discovery. The personnel
policies stipulated that the church office would be closed on Saturdays and the
ministers were expected to enjoy the day with their families.
Furthermore,
when the church gave a minister several weeks of vacation, it was understood at
least two full weeks of it would be spent with the family in rest and
recreation and not in ministry somewhere. As one who took off-days
reluctantly and would not allow myself to relax and rest during vacations, I
needed this to be spelled out in official policy.
When a
pastor is being interviewed for the position and when he is new, he should make
plain that his off-days are sacred. The ministerial and office staffs can see
that he is protected.
The lay
leadership can make sure the congregation knows this time is just as holy to
the Lord as the time he spends in the office, the hospitals or even the pulpit.
7. We
owe them the same thing we owe the Lord: faithful obedience to Christ.
Pastors
will tell you in a heartbeat that the best gift anyone can give them is just to
live the Christian life faithfully.
When our
members do that—when they live like Jesus and strive to know Him better, to
love one another, to pray and give and serve—ten thousand problems in
relationships disappear.
Finally,
a word to the pastor’s wife …
It’s my
observation that most wives of ministers feel inadequate. They want to do the
right thing, to manage their households well and support their husbands, keep a
clean house, sometimes accompany him on his ministries, and such, but there are
only so many hours in a day and so much strength in this young woman. She
feels guilty for being tired, and worries that she is inadequate.
The
Apostle Paul may have had pastors’ wives in mind when he said, “Not that we are
adequate to think anything of ourselves, but our adequacy is of God” (2
Corinthians 3:5).
We are
inadequate. None of us is worthy or capable of this incredible calling from
God.
We must
abide in Him or nothing about our lives will go right.
One thing
more, pastor’s wife: Find other wives of ministers and encourage them. The
young ones in particular have a hard time of it, with the children, the young
husband, the demanding congregation and sometimes, Lord help us, even an
outside job.
Invite a
couple of these women for tea or coffee. Have no agenda other than getting to
know one another.
See what
happens.
After five
years as Director of Missions for the 100 Southern Baptist churches of metro
New Orleans, Joe retired on June 1, 2009. These days, he has an office at the
First Baptist Church of Kenner where he's working on three books, and he's
trying to accept every speaking/preaching invitation that comes his way. He
loves to do revivals, prayer conferences, deacon training, leadership banquets,
and such. Usually, he's working on some cartooning project for the denomination
or some agency.
More from Joe McKeever or visit Joe at www.joemckeever.com/mt/
